“The highest pleasure is to know that through my own transformation I transform the world.”
I have walked the last 7 years of my life seeking out my purpose here on Earth. Ever since my mother took her last breath, I have been looking for “that” reason to live in the face of “this” knowing of our limited time here and the certainty of death. Yes, this is my truth. I live this journey filled with life, with joy, with exuberant ecstasy, yet there are times I am consumed with the darkness, the pain, the deep sorrow this world presents to me.
Many who live life differently will never understand this journey I have chosen to take. They wonder mostly how I could get lost in this “analysis paralysis” when life should merely be lived. But that is not the way I was made. And having lost someone who gave my life meaning and joined me in that search, it has not been an easy 7 years searching out others who could travel with me on this path for I am most certain that we are not meant to walk this journey alone. We need others to ride not just the highs, but especially the lows.
In one month, it will mark the 7th anniversary of my mother’s crossing over and having reflected on this, there has not been another event in my life that has affected me more. I have been looking for so long for my “Why” and that balance that will allow me to slow down to find the universal secret that will allow me to experience the pain in this world with the joy it offers. And here I lay, 3 days of excruciating left sided back pain, emotional as well as physical, because pushing my feelings down has resulted in a physical explosion of pain where tears have been my only release and relief. The current toxic state of affairs in this country, a toxic leadership, the anger, the voices of the youth calling for change arising from the tragedy of the Parkland 17, my own personal circumstances, balanced against a calling for more love, the joy I experience with new amazing connections, my beautiful children as they experience life, kindness, an awakening in our conscious evolution. No wonder there is an epidemic for so long of a numbing of society- it is very difficult to take.
While I have taken steps to better balance my life, to heal, to thrive, I am still in a place where I am forced to acknowledge how terrified I am at the uncertainty of my future. Financial concerns, relationship challenges, in the face of this how normal and understandable it is to feel this way. An excruciating physical pain that emerges from the emotional. This is a moment of time where I am offered the opportunity to speak to my pain, listen to the answers so that it can be validated for the positive. Instead of ignoring it, I get curious. Why are you here-visiting? What are you here to teach me still? Why now? Where am I being pulled in my femininity? In my sexuality? In my humanity? The beauty of acknowledging and validating on this journey- not frightened by the questions, but ready for the enlightenment as the answers come. And in some way, I am still nursing my inner child back to health after the loss of my greatest role model. Welcoming new connections as they appear of the other awakened soul who choose to face their whole person, not to be worried by it, but congratulated for making that powerful step to live a more balanced, healthy life releasing the pain with gratitude for it showing up. The highest pleasure is to know that through my own transformation I can help transform the world.
“Fortune and love favor the brave.” Ovid
We are not here to be comfortably numb. This is not why we have showed up at this time or this place in this world. A life so constrained by judgments or mores, we, I, cannot do that anymore!
Adventure I seek to shake the doldrums of life. If that means stepping out of my comfort zone for one moment, one hour, one season, I shall find what I seek because all the answers reside within. Wake up to that truth. Wake up to the belief that this body is the vessel, the beautiful perfect vessel whose energy attracts me to you, whose energy is the invitation to what I most truly want or desire, whose energy will bring me what I am willing and consciously setting out to attract. The new journey has begun. I walk one foot in front of the other, one mile by mile, and one memory to the next. Awake, alive, aroused- the world permeates my very being allowing my soul to blossom and along with it the dream that was born in me long ago.
I refuse to believe that the child within me is gone. I stand up against the notion that the dream has dissipated with that celestial body. I will not remain comfortably numb. That is not why I am here. That is not why I have shown up at this time or this place in this world. My life is no longer constrained by judgments or mores, it is love that I ultimately serve- for that I move on and out of the invisible cage doors- opening up my world to a new beginning each morning when I open my eyes to life. For fortune and love favor the brave, I am not numb, yes I choose to be brave!
Manifest the Gifts that Arise from Love during Periods of Growth-Don’t Quit Before the Miracles Happen-Keep the Faith!
” I know that persistence is the path to faith and the realization of my desire. Just as surely as the laws of gravity works every time the principle is applied, I know that the laws of manifestation are equally immutable. Therefore, I remain as consistent as I can possibly be in the thought and action, letting negative energy and fear pass through me as my manifestation draws closer and becomes imminent.”
Dr. Habib Sadeghi, The Clarity Cleanse
Creating your own reality through the manifestation process is so incredibly powerful. I have been the beneficiary of this consciousness. I know that manifestation of your dreams or your own magic must be coupled with a willingness to surrender to the universe or divine so that the life you love and desire can come to light. Sometimes, the manifestation process also contemplates periods of profound darkness as well. All opportunities to learn the life lessons that empower positive change and growth. From the wound, we have the opportunity to heal in such a major way that can course correct our world to greater light and enlightenment. It is during the darkest times that provide the fertile ground for periods of growth as we challenge ourselves to grab on to our inner light and share it with others. Persistence is the key. A never quit attitude is what sustains us. And faith defined as trust and loyalty invested in love will bring us home to where we want to be once again. It is a journey. The ebbs and flows, the ups and downs, the highs and lows- all a part of the life process. Just as surely as the onset of pain, there are gifts that can come from the chance to recalibrate and reset to arrive to a more loving place. I have not been able to sit down with these thoughts because the pain of growth can be too much, but with the release, negative energy does eventually pass through me as my manifestation of the beauty in this world draws closer and closer. Finally arriving to a place where I can feel whole once again where the miracles lie. Don’t quit before the miracles happen. Consistently keep the faith!
“We must discover the power of love, the power, the redemptive power of love. And when we discover that we will be able to make of this old world a new world. We will be able to make men better. Love is the only way.” Martin Luther King Jr.
Stop for one second-just take a deep breath!
So many lost lives, so much senseless death-
Tears overwhelm me, the reality so difficult to see-
What choices do we have, what direction to set our souls free?
Action, yes action-accountability,
But without love to heal us, there will still be misery.
Many at this time, awake to a new reality.
But without love to heal us, who will we be?
Will this moment in time just be, the moment where we finally all see?
But without love to heal us, anger kills possibility.
Look to the right and the left, connections waiting for you and me.
But without love to heal us, we fail to trust and miss the synchrony.
Youngest of us, it is your time, we pass the mantle and support you as you more than plea,
But please do not forget to come from a place of love to heal all of us, let it guide the mission, vision and your new symphony.
“Nobody can break your heart. They can break your expectations. When they break your expectations, you will eventually surrender and move closer to your heart.” Kyle Cease
Navigating this world seems to be a bit overwhelming these days.
It seems like this is a moment in history where emotions from the right and the left are running at an all time high. Remember no one can break your heart. Feeling called to do something to make this a better world, it’s non-action that will one day fill you with regret if you don’t try.
Inspiration comes from many places. I am reminded to be aware even when my mind races. Knowing full well that we will all at one point be held to stand the trial of time, I can’t let expectations unfulfilled stop me without reason or rhyme.
As I make decisions as to the direction to climb, I engage a mindful practice to embrace those choices of mine. And yes, now more than ever, schedule some time, to chase those butterflies to bring to life that beautiful vision of mine.
For my friends, look up to the sky, there they are, they need no permission to fly. They have no limits, so why should I?! Let yourself go, the time is nigh. Embrace your own mantra, use your imagination, surrender to love and close your eyes.
See clearly that life of yours as you are ready to shine. Elevate your spirit and hope, allow your imagination and insights to get into line! New energy infiltrates as you transform and move closer to your heart space, surrender and fly. Chase away and fly butterflies fly!
I organize a lot of events and celebrations. I go to a lot of events and celebrations. I have always believed that whoever is meant to be there will be there. So by letting go of what I consider to be a success, I free myself up to set my intentions and trust the universe to do its thing, conspire in favor of my highest good!
Last night I went to an event called Made 2 Love hosted by a beautiful woman whose mission it is to show love to young girls and help them to love themselves as they navigate this sometimes crazy world. Most of them, even as young as 8 or 9, come to see and know the world through not so ideal situations, in fact downright shocking. They deal with issues around abandonment, suicide, worthlessness and the like. So in that vein, the Made 2 Love mission becomes even most important as its founder and volunteers set out to shine a light on how special these girls are and how much this world needs them and their talents. My intention going there was to support my friend and experience the connections as they unfold knowing that trusting was where I was.
On this Valentine’s Day, in honor of the inspiration of last night and those who showed up on my path, I set out to shine a light starting from a place of love, for to teach love, we must become love. This is not always an easy task in a world where many of us measure our self worth on the daily as our perception of success has us falling short leaning more towards a failure mentality looking for validation. And to set out from a place of love, there is always a reminder that that energy can move mountains, spark a positive energetic vibration or even change a life. For sure, when I reach out and connect without need to be validated by others, this is the beginning of something wonderful happening for me and whoever else shows up there! So Shine on you batshit crazy diamonds, I love you and its time to follow your bliss!
When your inner imposter threatens to dictate your journey, choose love now and set your soul ablaze in another direction!
“Love in its essence is spiritual fire.” Seneca
From a place of love, I find that we can manifest anything!! Love is the spiritual fire that will catapult each one of us on a journey filled with curiosity, beauty, connectedness and the like. And because we are spiritual beings having a physical human experience, as powerful energetic beings, we need to take the time each and every day to get still and go to the center of our being to tap into the “source” that will allow each of us to come fully alive.
We all have those gremlins within. You know, those inner impostors who practice deception feeding us with lies to keep us from venturing out making our dreams a reality. This inner directionless voice tends to masquerade itself as our protector when in most respects in the end it will harm us more than anything as we never truly see those “something wonderfuls” waiting to be discovered. Love is the only thing that can be used to pay the ransom asked for by our negative thinking self. Self- love, something that is ours at a moments notice, comes to our aid as the spiritual fire that burns out the toxicity and allows a release replaced by the light. Why do we let that inner impostor dictate our journey when we can set a new path by choosing love now? Love is the simple essence of who we are. If we wish to teach love, then we must choose to be love as well. And the first step towards that is to choose love now!
“When it’s over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.” Mary Oliver
Today I am channeling the beauty of one of the greatest poets alive-Mary Oliver. If asked if I could meet anyone on the planet today, who would that be- I would readily include this eloquent woman on my list. Her words speak of the beauty of consciousness to the life experience that surrounds each one of us. With her, I learned to better pay attention to how the universe unfolds around me. I get excited as to how my story is coming to light. I step up to share and tell whoever wants to hear all about it. She is a spark of wisdom that has permeated the very fabric of my world and for that I am grateful.
In a universe where many succumb to being drugged by materialism and concoctions served of a reality based in numbness, Oliver’s poetry brings me back to the very reason that I am awake and aware today. I readily take on the role as the bride married to amazement and at the same time grab onto the vision of a groom embracing the gifts that this world has to offer.
When Oliver asks what it is that I plan to do with my one wild and precious life, I get giddy to the endless possibilities that dance around in my head like magical fairies here to do my bidding. Such a magnificent place that this can be, a world who on commands lifts its veil so that I can breath in its beauty. And there is an important message to be told: its not what woke me up that matters, although the lesson of the pain, loss and darkness were mine to learn. It’s not just that I used the “Aha Moments” to catapult me forward. They did and still do. It is that I become one with my imagination that arrives from an awareness that was a gift to me, and with that gift I live my life from this time on from there! And live from a place of awe and wonder is what I plan to do with my one wild and precious life-thank you Mary for the invitation and inspiration.
“Let us be grateful for the people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” Marcel Proust
In April 2018, it will be seven years since you, my mother passed away, a moment in time that turned my world upside down. A morning, holding your hand on the hospital bed, begging for you to live. With my eyes closed, I saw a vision of a lighthouse against a blue sky. Then, all of a sudden, a burst of white light blinded me, your sweet exhausted plea faintly spoke to me without saying a word, I heard “Let me go!” Seven years ago, I thought I would never be able to handle a world without you in it. Seven years ago, I thought that my anxiety, depression and grief would hold me captive to a life filled with fear and unhappiness. Seven years ago, instead of giving up, with your help, charming gardeners appeared, I made the decision to bravely embrace the insecurity that lay before me and face any demons that would prevent me from moving towards the light.
Through hills and valleys, I would walk. You, my mother appeared and sent angels to my side. Though some days were darker than others, I continued with you, for the Bible says at Psalm 23:4, “Yes, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me; thy rod and staff they comfort me.”
And here I am now, preparing for April 2018, when I will be commemorating these past seven years by traveling with a group of 16 pilgrims, on El Camino de Santiago de Compostela in celebration and gratitude for the love that you left me, that found me and planted its seeds for my soul to blossom once again. Brought together by whatever synchronicities along the way, we gather as a tribe guided by wanderlust and whatever else drives us, a continuation of the story that I want to tell. You are still with me. A beautiful story built on discovery and curiosity and faith as we stand on the edge, breathless, taking in the beauty that is offered. Walking in the sunlight in the middle of Spring, experiencing the transformation of my dreams into reality, you keep planting more magical seeds that will soon be shared by the many rather than the few, I am grateful. And, when I arrive at Cape Fisterre, the final destination for many pilgrims on the Way of St. James, considered where this world meets the next, I will humbly kneel with you setting out a prayer of thanksgiving for each one who has shown up on this journey giving me hope and strength when I thought I could not go on. And there it will be, that lighthouse of hope you sent me in that vision seven years ago when your soul moved on, you brought me there. And Paolo, dear wise Paolo Coelho, the masculine spirit guide as I wrote my way out, you too shall be at my side, for I followed your lead and there I will have earned my sword too, now a warrior for love.
“Call on God but row away from the rocks.” Indian proverb
Last year at this time, I had no idea I would be on a new path, on a different adventure, in this place of so much possibility. As with most moments of intense discomfort, I clearly knew where I did not want to be, there was no question of that. Yet, when contemplating a leap of faith, I stood frozen not knowing for sure if leaving my comfort zone would bring me a future I would love. I was scared of the unknown, afraid I would be easily forgotten, hard pressed to relinquish the identity I worked so hard to achieve and weighed down by indecision. Yet, in the midst of all of this, there was equally an intense knowing that something better awaited me if I chose to set out and walk away so I could walk towards a more incredible view.
So I begged for guidance. And, as I stood still trying to convince myself that I could tolerate more of the same, it was as if the energy of my desire permeated the things around me as they began to change. One by one, things unfolded as if on cue. Others ventured out boldly where I could not. My sidekick of many years left showing me a way to follow. Others entered where they had not before, replacements took over setting the scene for a different paradigm that I would not and could not be a part of. The universe beckoned for me to act, a chance to explore had me working away from what I knew, opening a door that I did not know existed before. And there, from that place, as more distance grew, I could not go back because unbeknownst to me, I had already done the hard part by rowing away from the rocks. When I could no longer see the shore, I called out to the divine for help, and from what was a place of doubt, a messenger delivered a new vision that I could grab onto. And there I was, without even realizing it, embracing a faith that had me leaping miles ahead and moving strides forward trusting that the journey would take me to my something wonderful.
Consistency, with perseverance, and awake, I shed the skin of the indecisive one, to become more of who I am meant to be. Patiently, I stood stronger, taller, more alive. Now, toasting to the brilliance that is my life, living in such a way guided by the wish fulfilled, showing up as set out by C.S. Lewis, “May it be the real I who speaks. May it be the real Thou that I speak to.” Continuing to leap in faith, towards things hoped for making a huge difference for me. Evidence appearing every day, never really doubting my path again, smiling internally for bold actions over time have served me well. For last year at this time, I had no idea I would be on a new path, on a different adventure, in this place of so much possibility today.