The Year of Magical Thinking-Then Why do I Feel so Lonely?

“. . .but those who drink of the water that I will give them will never be thirsty.”

John 4:13-14

It almost pains me to write this next sentence- I know that I am surrounded by love, so why do I feel so lonely?  If it is wisdom that I seek, then I must ask the tough questions to begin to discover what lies at the root of my distress.  I am not depressed. I know depressed and this feeling is not it.  I am not anxious. This is in fact the first time in 5 years that I have actually felt calm even in the face of some pretty crazy storms.  And I am not hopeless. In fact, I am filled to the brim with hope and possibility that I get excited just thinking about it.  This feeling is loneliness.  Next month it will be five years since my mother passed away. I assure you I know that she is proud of me at how I survived grief only to blossom where I stand.  I still speak to her. I still have my moments of intimacy as I ask for guidance and direction. I still feel her presence in my life. Perhaps not as much as I once did when she walked the Earth plane but I still know she is there, right behind the veil as the wind caresses my face.

I am lonely because I miss the companionship and trust that I once shared with her. Only to know it is gone, because how incredible it was when I had it.  While I am utterly blessed with an amazing family and am beyond grateful for the friendships in my life, there is that missing safety net or well where I could go to just fully and totally be myself, where I could take off any masks, where my thirst could be quenched and just know I was accepted and loved no matter what.  Then I suppose when I think about it, I have taken on a role of advisor rather than receiver of advice. Perhaps for fear that I will be rejected, judged, ridiculed even, I do not open up as to the most challenging aspects that stir my soul. Like I said, there are few relationships in my life where I feel that I can do this. Life gets busy, time is hard to come by. We travel on seeking, looking.   And even as a young child will complain that there is no place for them as he/she sees others have “their people” always nearby, I go to a different source to fill the void and lay my petition there to experience “my people” “my angels” as well who will look out for me, speak up for me, take care of me, are there for me.  That is not a selfish notion, that is the great endeavor of the human experience- to connect on a profound level.

It is there, that connection, perhaps I am blinded because I am still fixed on the bond that I had with my mother as her child. Perhaps, that is the organic nature of that relationship- unlike any other.  Perhaps I need to open my eyes to different kinds of trust relationships where I will experience a new kind of blessing.  Perhaps. . . Wisdom is what I seek and as I get comfortable with the loneliness to truly understand what it is telling me, compassion is born-and perhaps that is the whole magical point anyway! As I find joy bouncing along the road on my little yellow, bouncy ball, I seek companions to bounce along with me so i must let my eyes see those other lost ones and bring them into the fold if they will. The more I reach out, the loneliness will have served its purpose and begun to fade away! My cup will runneth over once again-it will and I will share my blessings with others as they share theirs with me- the journey awaits!

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