A letter of gratitude to my mother on this 4th anniversary!
While I have always thought that anniversaries mark major life events or accomplishments to celebrate, it almost seems like an oxymoron to think that I could ever celebrate 4 years without you. In actuality, what I celebrate today is that we, my family and I, did not give up after you, our center, moved on to “that better place.” I hope that it has been a better place for you. It seems like this world has gotten more cynical since your departure, yet there still continues to be beacons of light. I still look for the “ones” that continue to bring the light too. There are many and they talk of spiritual awakenings like no other. You would love the conversations. While I cannot compare them to you because not many can hold a candle to you in my eyes, the blessings still come. Wow and you would be so happy with the current Pope. He embodies his namesake, Francis, in words and deeds. He is bringing love and mercy back to the church that you so loved and worked so hard for. It is encouraging to say the least. Movement away from dogma to a better fulfillment of what Jesus came here to represent, unconditional love and forgiveness for the many, not the few. It makes me happy to see. Baby steps moving forward in a positive direction! I have really paid attention to what moves my soul for the better and moved away from those things that do not. I still wish that I could talk to you about it. Remember those hours we spent at the kitchen table. I would arrive exhausted after a long drive, but still would look forward to sitting with you and talking about so many mind-stimulating topics. I had a deja vu when I got in on Friday, you would not believe it but Dad actually sat with me at the kitchen table to discuss philosophy. I felt you smiling down on the two of us.
We all came together to celebrate your still living memory and legacy. We all miss you so much. So much has changed in four years since we last saw each other, since we last spoke, since I last held your hand. It does not seem possible that so much time has actually gone by. At the same time, it has been a long four years without you. My children have grown up so quickly. Michael, now 12, has gone from a little boy to a handsome, wonderful, sensitive and caring young man. He is learning and reminds me often how I must have tried your patience during the growing up process, but his accomplishments far outweigh anything. You would be so proud of Ava, now 6. She is everything that I could ask for in a little girl, creative, smart, bold, caring, loving and the image of you as a young girl. She is a pixie and I remember your words, her strength and determination will serve her well in this world. I am doing my best to keep your memory alive for them. Michael has his vivid memories. Ava has her imagination and of course the healing hands that you blessed her with.
It still is hard to believe that you are gone. While it has not been easy, we have managed to move forward and not quit. Death is such a strange thing. People say it should not be feared, but we are all human and loss or death of the intimate daily connections can be a tough pill to swallow. I think after you experience loss of someone so close to you, it changes you. You see the world through different eyes. You experience life in a different way. You begin to appreciate how precious and fleeting it all is. And you are faced with a choice, go after the joy or take it all for granted. While I wish I could return to a time where death did not impact my life so closely, wish that you were still here, It seems that if you are going after the joy, then to embrace that everything happens for a reason is the way to go. Because if you accept and surrender to certain things happening for your highest good, then the reason will come and the joy can return. So while I have managed to move through some really challenging times without your wise counsel, I have to know that whatever guidance you had to give me you did and accept, surrender, let go are the only options that will lead me to joy. In that respect, I have managed to take steps to live past the fear and memory of your final and very painful last days while remembering your incredible smile, your incredible voice that could brighten any of my days, and that big shoulder of yours that let me lean on you when I needed you most. And you would be so proud of dad. He and his faithful companion Zacharia, have held down the fort with Aimee and her family by his side. Everyone is doing what they can. I think that you would be really happy with all of us.
But four years! I still ask why like a petulant child. I still wish that I could share my good news with you in person, face to face. I am human. But it is becoming more and more ok because I choose joy and because I know when those “something wonderfuls” happen, you are right there with your hand in the mix. And believe me, some incredible things have happened since you have gone on the next stage of your journey. And as I leave the negative behind and accept where I am right now, I continue to find more balance- 2015 – the year of 8 and perfect balance and harmony in all areas of life.
They all say I look like you and remind them of you. Other than the artificially dyed black hair, you were your own unique beauty and I could never hold a candle to you. As far as intellect, you were a force to be reckoned with and filled your own shoes so well. I could never hold a candle to you. I am just doing my best to be my own person, just how you would have wanted it. So as i conclude this letter out to you in the universe, I would ask that you continue to watch over us on this April 12, 2015. Sitting by your side four years ago on this day, you asked me in a vision to let you go. While it was so hard to even fathom my existence without you here, I have been in a process of doing this still to this day. I am letting you go so that I can become the person that you, my mother, would want me to become. My own person, mother to my beautiful kids, setting out in this world to make a difference, yet given the confidence to do so because of the unconditional love that you gave me.
Thank you mom. I always asked you to pray for me when you were here and it calmed my soul. I continue to ask the same, pray for me, pray all of us to find balance in this crazy, wonderful world. Help us to see the good in everything as it unfolds. Guide us in our decisions. And continue to protect us all with your amazing love. I will never celebrate life without you, but I will always be grateful for the legacy and impact that you continue to have on my life as i continue welcoming each sunrise of my soul’s bliss. We will never forget you!
I love you so much today, forever, always-
Mommy and Michael -2006!